


still with you

by venusghost



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Retrospective, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venusghost/pseuds/venusghost
Summary: There is not one part of Cho Seungyoun that does not miss Kim Wooseok.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 70





	still with you

**Author's Note:**

> (for some reason) inspired by jungkook's "still with you"

**woodz**  
hey  
congratulations on your solo debut  
i just watched the mv  
it was very pretty  
just like you haha

Seungyoun bites his lip; his eyes hurt from how long he’s been staring at his phone, waiting anxiously for a response. Wooseok read all of his texts as soon as he sent them, but it’s been almost an hour without a response.

Maybe he shouldn’t have sent that last message. Maybe he shouldn’t have texted Wooseok at all. Maybe he shouldn’t have drank an entire bottle of wine in the first place. Maybe he shouldn’t have holed himself up in his studio for days.

There are a lot of things that he shouldn’t have done.

 **woodz**  
sorry  
for texting you out of nowhere

Wooseok responds almost instantly, and Seungyoun suddenly feels the need to vomit all over his studio equipment.

 **wooshin**  
dont be sorry about that  
be sorry about the fact that you havent spoken to me in months

 **woodz**  
ouch  
im screwing everything up again arent i?

 **wooshin**  
what do you want, seungyounie

 **woodz**  
i just wanted to congratulate you  
thats it

Even Seungyoun can’t tell if it’s a lie or not. Would it be so bad if he wanted more than that?

 **wooshin**  
thanks, i guess  
good luck on your comeback

Seungyoun’s mouth (stained wine-dark, bitten and blistered to hell) curls into a smile. Talking to Wooseok doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would.

But it still hurts; it definitely hurts.

 **woodz**  
thanks, wooseokie

The conversation dies out after that. Seungyoun is left with a terrible feeling in his gut, and his heart can’t seem to calm down, beating loud in his ears. He puts his phone face down on his desk, next to the MIDI keyboard he has set up in front of his monitor, and takes a deep breath.

It’s been roughly three months since he last spoke to Wooseok. But that was with some of the other, well, _ex-_ X1 members. The last time he was with Wooseok alone was Christmas eve.

They had gone to Myeongdong to see the lights, Wooseok’s small body pressed up against Seungyoun in the thick of the crowd. Wooseok’s body tends to run cold, so Seungyoun wrapped him up in an extra layer before they left the dorm. His nose was still bright red, cheeks pink from the cold, and Seungyoun wanted to kiss him. Every part of Seungyoun’s _being_ wanted to kiss him, because in that moment—in that fragile, precious moment—Wooseok was prettier than any of the lights they’d gone to see. 

But he didn’t. He _couldn’t._

But he should have.

There are a lot of things that Seungyoun should have done.

It’s 3 a.m. by the time Seungyoun builds up the courage to pick up his phone again—to type out another hasty message. 

**woodz**  
hey

Wooseok, for some reason, is still awake when he sends it, and he replies a couple minutes later:

 **wooshin**  
what is it now?

Seungyoun types out a message, but it doesn’t look right, so he types and retypes the same message over and over again praying that this won’t be a mistake. His eyelids feel heavy, and his heart does too, beating like it doesn’t belong to him anymore—it’s too full with something that feels a lot like regret. But he keeps _staring,_ heart caught in his throat, rotting and blooming all at once.

He doesn’t know why it’s so hard, doesn’t know why it’s so hard to tell the truth. Seungyoun is no liar, but maybe he’s a coward.

And maybe that’s why he never answered any of Wooseok’s texts or calls these past few months, maybe that’s why he always avoided Wooseok whenever all of them would meet up as a group.

Maybe that’s why he never told Wooseok how he felt, maybe that’s why, when Wooseok told him he loved him, he didn’t say anything back. _Couldn’t_ say anything back.

They were in Seungyoun’s studio again, squeezed tight on the ratty old couch that Seungyoun vehemently refuses to replace. It happened a couple days before December 1st; things weren’t getting any better for the group—but the dim glow of the studio, the lingering scent of ramen, and the white noise of the space heater made it easy to pretend like all the odds weren’t against them.

And then: Wooseok just _said_ it. He hadn’t been able to look Seungyoun in the eyes, but from where he was resting on Seungyoun’s chest, Seungyoun could see a pretty flush on his cheeks.

Wooseok is the type of person who usually never dives into anything headfirst; he dips his toe in the water, afraid of the cold, afraid of getting hurt. Seungyoun knew, _knew_ that it was a big step for Wooseok to say that, to open up like that. But he said it because he felt safe, Seungyoun thinks, he felt that _Seungyoun_ was safe.

But all Seungyoun could say in response was: “I think we should get back to the dorm. It’s getting late.”

Wooseok tried his best to not let on that he was hurt, even though Seungyoun could tell that he was. He simply got up from Seungyoun’s chest, and quietly got ready to leave.

They didn’t talk about it afterwards.

There are a lot of things that Seungyoun should have said.

 _I miss you,_ the message reads, because he does.

There is not one part of Cho Seungyoun that does not miss Kim Wooseok, just as there is not one part of Kim Wooseok that Cho Seungyoun does not miss. His shy smile, his fluffy brown hair, and his stupid little laugh. His pert butt, his pale skin, and the moon-crescents under his eyes. His marshmallow-like voice, his button-like nose, his weirdly long fingers. The way his cheekbones flush all pink when he’s embarrassed, the way he starts to shout all high-pitched and loud when he gets teased too much, and the way he pouts his lips when he’s grumpy, or when he wants a kiss. Or both.

Seungyoun misses Wooseok, but he doesn’t want to admit it. Or he does. He doesn’t know.

Maybe he should’ve just saved himself all the trouble and not grown close to Wooseok during Produce as he had, maybe he should’ve just let his innocent crush flicker out like a candle flame, instead of feeding the flame with late-night talks and stolen forehead kisses.

Maybe he shouldn’t have told Wooseok on the last day of Produce camp, “I like you a lot,” even though he did. Maybe he shouldn’t have told Wooseok on his birthday, “I’m writing a song for you,” even though he was. Maybe he shouldn’t have told Wooseok, a few days after Wooseok confessed to him, “I’ll say it back one day, I promise,” even though he wanted to. It wasn’t a promise he could keep so easily, and he knew it. He knew it.

Because even though he felt the same (he did, he promises) and he knew it, love is scary and Cho Seungyoun is a coward.

But most of all, maybe he shouldn’t have told Wooseok on Christmas day, “I think we should break up.”

There are a lot of things that Seungyoun shouldn’t have said.

But in the first place, maybe Seungyoun shouldn’t have done something so stupid as falling in love without the capacity to admit it to himself, let alone the person he loves. But he did. Maybe Seungyoun should’ve cut it off from the root, cut it off from the start, or maybe he should’ve just tried harder and fought harder. But he didn’t.

Seungyoun stares at the words on his screen, but he can’t muster up the courage to press send, just like he couldn’t muster up the courage to tell Wooseok that he loved him back, even though he did. He does.

He loves every bit of Wooseok, just as much as he misses every bit of Wooseok: the way he tries to hide his teeth when he smiles, the way the tips of his ears get red when he’s cold, and the way his heart is too big for his unbelievably small body. The way Wooseok stuck with him through thick and thin, the way he believed Seungyoun when he told him he would say it back one day, the way he _waited_ for Seungyoun to be ready. He waited, he _waited,_ only for Seungyoun to never fulfill his promise.

Seungyoun broke his heart on Christmas day and every day after. Seungyoun broke his heart when he told him they should break up, and he broke his heart when he told him they shouldn’t stay in contact anymore. Seungyoun broke his heart when he ignored Wooseok’s messages, every single one.

There is a difference between loving someone so much your heart might burst, and loving someone so much that you start to fear not knowing who you are anymore.

 _I miss you, I’m sorry, I love you._ They all mean the same thing.

Seungyoun doesn’t want to break Wooseok’s heart any more than he already has.

He doesn’t press send.

**Author's Note:**

> i've had major writing block these past few... weeks, but writing this, even though i never thought i'd write for x1 again, was very easy.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed! leave a kudos/comment if you did :)


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